Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
