I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
