He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
