Got a toothbrush?
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
