I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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