Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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