I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Farmville is her only friend.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
I did not marry a roomba.
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