Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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