She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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