2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i just google imaged poop.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
