my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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