I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
