dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
