You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Randomize
