Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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