At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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