Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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