wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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