i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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