There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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