I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
