so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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