Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
