Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
