burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
