His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
