I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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