I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
