so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
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