Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
