Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
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