Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
