we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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