The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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