Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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