Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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