We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
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