Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
