whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Princesses don't give blow jobs
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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