I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Randomize
