it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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