I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
