Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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