I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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