also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize
