i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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