i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
