i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Randomize
