i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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