I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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