He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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