I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
