Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
