I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
