my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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