dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
