I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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