Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
