I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize